Random humour

[FieldingMellish]

Was sorting out my inbox at work and discovered a few amusing things I've been emailed by different people in the last year or so. Need to clear it out as its clogging up my account but since some of its pretty funny, thought I'd share it here.

The Dangers of Bread
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

1.) More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2.) Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3.) In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4.) More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5.) Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6.) Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7.) Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8.) Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9.) Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10.) Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11.) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following 5 bread restrictions:

1.) No sale of bread to minors.
2.) No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3.) A 300 % federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4.) No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5.) A $4.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

[FieldingMellish]

Dictionary for use when replying to women's personal ads:

40-ish..........................49
Adventurous..................Slept with all your mates
Athletic........................No tits
Average looking..............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of pills
Educated..................…..Was fucked to bits at University
Emotionally Secure..........On medication
Feminist................………Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit.....................Junkie
Friendship first...............Former slut
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle.........................Dull
Good Listener................Autistic
New-Age......................Body hair problems
Open-minded................Desperate
Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................Sloppy drunk
Poet............................Depressive
Professional..................Bitch
Romantic......................Frigid
Social...............……………Slut
Cuddly.........................Fat
Voluptuous...................Very Fat
Large lady....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...........Stalker
Widow.........................Murderer

[FieldingMellish]

Should we listen to rumour?

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triplefilter?" asked the acquaintance.

“That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. " You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem......

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

[FieldingMellish]

This comes from Joe Sacco’s excellent comic book ‘Palestine’. It’s an old Palestinian joke (not particularly funny but very telling in an ironic kind of way) about one of the Israeli secret services.

There are 3 spies out for a walk in the forest. There’s one from the KGB, one from the CIA and one from the Shin Bet. They see a white rabbit run across their path. The KGB spy bends down to pick it up and says “I bet I can release that rabbit, then catch it and bring it back here quicker than either of you two.” The CIA and Shin Bet operatives agree so he drops the rabbit and waits a few seconds before giving chase with a cry of “To Russia!”. Two minutes later the Russian returns holding the rabbit.

Tha CIA spy is impressed but bets he can do it quicker. “Let it go, Ivan, I’ll beat your time.” The Russian drops the rabbit and it disappears into the undergrowth. With a cry of “God Bless America” the American gives chase. He returns, triumphantly holding the rabbit just 60 seconds later.

“That’s nothing” says the Israeli. “I’ll beat that.” So they release the rabbit and he gives chase with a cry of “To Jerusalem!” The KGB and CIA men wait. And wait. And wait. After half an hour they decide to go and look for him. Eventually, after 2 hours wandering in the forest they see the Israeli spy. He’s in a clearing punching and kicking a huge brown horse, all the while shouting “Admit you’re the rabbit! Admit you’re the rabbit!”

[Toffa]

Dictionary for use when replying to women's personal ads:

Emotionally Secure..........On medication


Hahaha thats some good stuff, this is my favourite :D

[MZN]

lol, I at least had a good laugh :)

[FieldingMellish]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[freefightdave]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
AHaha this made my day lol

[freefightdave]

The Dangers of Bread

It`s them fast carbs.

[( o Y o )]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.


That was priceless! LOL


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

This one though is a bit dangerous..... Considering Australia is home to more top 20 poisonous eveything (spiders/snakes/jellyfish/shellfish/fucking octopus) than any other country, I guess the tourism officials that replied to this one weren't interested in repeat customers.

[danvari]

I don't really remember where i heard this but:

A guy is planning a trip to Australia so he decides to go to the local library to check up some facts.

He asks the librarian to give him a list of all the deadly animals on Australia, since he's quite concerned about the dangers of travelling.

The librarian sighs and starts to retrieve book after book, after hours of retreiving books the potential tourist gives up and asks the librarian to give him a list of all the non-deadly animals instead.

The librarian promptly returns with a post-it note that says:

"Some of the sheep".

[-=[DM]=-]

This one is pretty funny, maybe a bit offensive to american lawyers though..

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

[KicknPunch]

That is cruel, but hella funny!! LOL

[FieldingMellish]

Why women think men are immature. And they may be right:

[FieldingMellish]

And another:

[FieldingMellish]

One more: